If I Were Contrarian King of America

It’s a nice day. And we need to avoid getting too wrapped up in the constant stress of fighting against prohibition (yes, I’m looking at you, darkcycle) or we’ll burn out. So I’ve recycled one of my old musings. I think it’s still enjoyable today. See what you have to add….

I have occasionally imagined how I would realistically change drug policy if I was President, or had some other poliitical power, and perhaps some day I’ll share that with you. However, today I decided to be different and imagined I was some kind of arbitrary King and decided to retaliate by being contrarian.

bullet image DEA agents who investigate doctors for prescribing pain medication must have other DEA agents perform any medical procedures (like heart transplants and brain surgery) that are needed by the agents. After all, if DEA agents know so much about medicine…

bullet image Putting a positive choice spin on drug testing, only those students not participating in extra-curricular activities can be drug tested, and only if there are extra-curricular options available and they still choose not to participate. In a related area, felons on parole can avoid drug tests by getting involved in community service volunteer projects. (actually, this one makes a little sense)

bullet image Law enforcement officers who are part of no-knock drug task forces must publicly list their names and addresses. Ordinary citizens are allowed to wander through their home between the hours of 11 pm and 4 am and look through their drawers.

bullet image Officers wishing to search a car for drugs must get a search warrant from a judge specifying the make, year, color and VIN, along with specific descriptions of the particular drugs they expect to find.

bullet image Law enforcement agencies wishing to keep proceeds from Asset Forfeitures must put up as bond an amount equal to the value of the assets seized. If a judge rules for the property owner, the property owner gets his assets back plus the bond, making a nice profit for his trouble.

bullet image School Principals who enforce zero-tolerance policies must get written permission from one of their students before taking an aspirin or any other medication (any time of day or night).

bullet image Any laws passed that have criminal penalties are automatically infinitely retroactive for those who voted for (or signed) the law. This means, for example, that any Congressmen who vote for enhanced drug possession penalties would be immediately liable under that law for any drugs they took when they were young.

bullet image The Drug Czar must wear a silly hat and a sign saying “I am a liar” whenever he goes out in public, and whenever he talks about drug statistics he must perform a leprechaun dance.

bullet image All DEA paperwork must be printed on hemp paper.

bullet image Inmates in federal prisons construct bongs and waterpipes, and these are sold through an online store run by the Justice Department, and administered by Tommy Chong.

bullet image Smugglers who are caught are sent back to their home country with their drugs and told to try again.

bullet image All law enforcement uniforms are made with material that smells just like marijuana to drug-sniffing dogs.

When I wrote this, Walters was the drug czar, but I think the “silly hat and leprechaun dance” mental image works even better with Kerlikowske.